Fatebound

night

Can you find me in the dark ⁠—
Fitted among the many souls that are strewn across your path?
Will you recognise my voice?
The echo of which bleeds with the agony of time long past.
They say we are bound but I wonder at times if it’s just a fated lie,
One that was created to make us feel like maybe there’s more to this.
Am I waiting on a dream that will never come?
Maybe this is the dream.
Who says dreams have to be some grand thing ⁠—
Something that will touch a part of you that’s hidden and precious?
This could be it.
This could be all there is.
And all we have to do is create what we want like in our fantastical dreams at night —
When we put together fantasies and nightmares borne of our subconscious selves.
Still, what’s life without a little hope, a little mystique?
As a creator of this reality, maybe I will bring you to life,
Then turn it into something fatebound and magical,
Because, why not make things a bit more interesting?
Either way, fate or dreamscape, I’m here.
I will be here…
Surrounded by shadows.
Patiently waiting for you to recognise my light.

Why Hide?

(It’s not always about love)

Let’s connect.
Let me feel and taste you while we figure this thing out.
Let me know the insides of your mind while I fantasize about the possibilities of us.
Let me go out on a limb and just take advantage of your sexual drive.
What’s wrong with that?
What’s wrong with wanting something for this moment – this singular time and just enjoying it?
Why make it complicated?
Why not take chances and go by the thrills and the pulls of our inner selves?
Isn’t that the beauty of this?
Isn’t all that we want just a few open touches away from this?
I want you to open me up.
Tear me apart and invade my comfort space.
I want to feel you rippling through my mind as my days take pace.
I want you to teach me to use my mind like a tongue.
This tool that will lick every inch of you and enjoy the sensations that it pulls.
I’ll teach you more.
I’ll teach you how to revere my body like a shrine.
I’ll teach you to respect every crevice that’s mine.
Oh, you’ll like it.
You’ll love every minute of it.
And you’ll crave…
We’ll both crave.
And that’s the beauty of it.
This urge, this thing that drives us to be our unfathomed selves,
Damn…
If only.
If only we could connect.
If only we could feel and taste each other while we figure things out.
If only we could let each other get to know the insides of our minds and enjoy fantasizing about the possibilities of us.
If only we could go out on a limb and just enjoy our sexual drives…
What’s wrong with that?
What’s wrong with that?!

Existential Crisis?

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When it’s quiet, really quiet, I feel the echoes of my existence bleeding through my skin.
I try to stay still – no breathing, no thinking – just floating.
Maybe that will keep it at bay.
It usually does for a little while.
Not often though.
The heavy feeling of my breath, my heartbeat-
The fact that I am here in this moment (this space) is something that has always haunted me.
Does it haunt you too?
Do you want to pause your existence and not feel, not touch, not smell, not want…?
These moments are my torture – my masochistic thrill,
For, if I do not feel the weight of my existence, how do I know that i’m alive?

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How do I cry for a loss that feels superficial but deep?
How do I want or define something I’m not sure I want to keep?
I love you. I do.
You know this.
But love, to me, is bullshit.
Oh it’s great in the moments of early thrills.
It speaks volumes when things are covered in silk.
But –
Its death is simply inevitable…

Liquid Measure

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Oh how you wooed me.
How you brought me to the edge and then back.
How you promised me feelings of euphoria when I would just be sitting here – basking, waiting – yearning for the other.
What do you have that I don’t have?
These lies that you proffer and the pain that follows it’s just… it’s so much, and so little…
If only these moments could last – the thrills, the good stuff, all the brilliant things but, they never do.
Only pain follows.
But still, I yearn.
I want.
I crave more.
More of you?
No.
More of what you give me.
More of what I get.
You are my absent thrill… Always.
And I thank you. I thank you for that.
They say you’re my enemy, but you’re my friend – you’re one of my best friends!
You’re always there for me, even though I know you’re killing me as I take you in…
But, that’s not important. We all die soon anyway.
Thank you for being there for me.
My poison. My thrill.

Empathic Love

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She feels you.
You know she does.
You know she will always help your thoughts and inner shit.
And so you bask.
You bask in the fact that you without her is you without you.
You know that you without her is you without your confidant.
You without her means bye bye assurance.
And you without her is you without your moments of clandestine thrills.
So you stay.
You stay and you seek and you take.
Why not get as much from this and try to make it your own?
How often will you find another that will give you a throne?

And here she sits.
Waiting.
Wanting.
Expecting, because she sees what you do not know, and she knows.
Maybe too much…
What does she do?
Should she listen to the sounds that play in her ear?
Or go by the seconds that prove her despair?
Does she continue to listen to the quiet songs that play?
Or does she put away her heart and just go by the day?

Dynamics of ish will always play true.
It really doesn’t matter, these things we do.
I feel, you take, when will it end?
Someone’s always left with something unsaid…

Smiles, Giggles, and the In-between

Below the smiles lie the true hearts that beat,
The sadness and unreputed pain that never bleeds.
This “cool land” that takes centre stage,
Is just another faceted belief that makes it easy to sleep.
The honor, the respect – what are these things?
Do they shelter a deep mourning of expressions never seeped?
They smile and apologise to cover the pain,
But does their true worth ever form fates?

They live in a bubble of pacifist needs,
But do the moments of retribution ever leave?
Living on the outside looking in – countering the moments that never exist.
The work is exhausting, though one would not think why,
And the strong shoulders remain, but never for cries.
One yearns and controls the seconds that come,
And sits quietly while the food stays in control.
This measure of thinking that this world is the best,
Is just a measure that tolls the black bird’s nest.
Never sigh or show the minutes that dwell,
Or you’ll be placed in the most unforgivable hell.

Letting emotions go free is not what is good,
Let’s keep it hidden – locked, under the hood.
If we keep the moments of pain under clasp,
We’ll be following the rules of the open past.
Times like this, I wish that when I see the truths I’d remain unbent.
But those aren’t the rules of such a surreal life,
There’s a price for comfort and polite smiles.
How much would you pay to live in a world
That’s covered in trust but soothed in dirt?

“I will respect you ‘til my end”, that’s what they say, yes?
Just stay within the box and it’ll all be set.
It’s safe in this bubble while the world strolls by,
Because these moments are just lent from the human mind…

According to Numerous Studies, I Could Be a Psychopath, and So Could You…

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There have been many studies on the attributes of a psychopath. Not yawning when another person yawns. Proneness to boredom. Being charming. Impulsive. And the list goes on. But with such a broad, sometimes vague list, how do you really differentiate between an actual psychopath and a person who, well, is just an odd little dumpling?

I came across an article recently that spoke about the characteristics of a psychopath, and I couldn’t help thinking – wait, some of these traits seem very similar to my personality. Does that mean I’m a psychopath?!

Case in point. I love me some black coffee, but preferring the bitter taste over a sweet taste is an indication of psychopathy. There’s also getting bored easily and having trouble maintaining a routine. That’s basically my life right there!

Another trait is being anti-social as a child. Do you ever see a quiet little kid in the corner who just sits and stares at what’s happening around them and avoids interactions with other kids unless basically being forced to – yea, I’m still living that life. Also, having a series of short-term relationships is another sign. Well… in my defense I got bored easily, but they were filled with good times, I swear!

Even my career choice of journalism couldn’t get away. Psychopaths are said to gravitate towards such jobs as CEO, lawyer, media (TV/radio), salesperson, journalist, police officer, surgeon, clergy person, civil servant and chef. This is because these jobs offer the opportunity to revel in power and be objective in their decision-making without needing to resort to feelings, so they’re drawn to those roles. Understandable I guess. But a chef, really?

There’s also taking  too many selfies. This one doesn’t apply to me, I find it rubbish. However, I do see a lot of selfies online. Actually, I know quite a few people who, when you look through their phone (don’t ask how i ended up looking through their phones or why), have over a hundred selfies in random poses. Does that make them psychopathic, or narcissistic, or… a psychopathic narcissist?!

After reading these studies I can’t help but look at these people a bit more closely when we’re hanging out. Sometimes i’d catch myself pretending to stifle a yawn just to see if they’d yawn back. I’d also find myself thinking back through my history with them to see if they’d been a rash, impulsive person who is secretly heartless. Were there any drowned puppies that I missed?!

Of course, the list of traits goes on and on. You can have a look here and see how many of these characteristics you can tick off.

Mind you, it wouldn’t just be one thing that ties a person to being referred to as a psychopath as there would have to be other attributes that add to the whole scope of things. But, how do we know? How do we know?

There’s a certain level of paranoia, misconceptions and judginess that goes along with having certain immediate information at our disposal. I may possibly be one of those paranoid, judgy ones. 

Still, take a closer look at yourself and those around you, dear friends, as you or someone you know could possibly be a psychopath. But hey, who am I to judge, I could be one too.

Mysterious Skin

Masquerade

What is beauty, this mystery that shrouds my skin?
This thing that casts an odd glow on my rather-not-mentioned sins.
Here I stand with wrinkles and lines, still the same person only slower,
Still the same person only duller.

Do my lines define me?
I think they do…
They define not what I think of myself but what is viewed of me.
I’ve grown to loathe all the grey bits that sporadically appear on my head,
Not until I’m fifty! Or closer to agéd death.

How does one keep their cool while trudging this line called life?
How does one stop the clock that slowly penetrates the nights?
My greys and aged skin do not bask humbly by the window –
Willingly waiting for moments of thrilling youthful endeavours.

I, nay, we all sit by this folly,
Braving the days… or maybe not so much bravery when it comes to the uncertain.
Still, life gives little choice to those who breathe this air,
And eventually, unless we die young, we all face the call of the aging glare.

Happyness – Where Art Thou?

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 If you try to find happiness outside of yourself with people or things, then it is fleeting, and it’s not true happiness. This is surfaced. True happiness lies within. And in order to be happy with people and the things around you, you first have to be happy with yourself.

So, here are some steps to being truly happy:

  1. Sit down and get to know who you are… people spend their entire lives with themselves, and some leave this world not even knowing who they truly are. Get to know yourself. How do you do this? Talk to yourself… If you find that you’re reacting a certain way to something, ask yourself why you do that. Mind you, an external voice won’t answer but keep asking yourself questions and you will eventually get answers. No one knows you better than yourself.
  2. Like yourself. This is sadly not as easy as it sounds. But here’s the crazy thing… If you find that you don’t like yourself, then you’re doing something or some things that you know isn’t/aren’t aligned with who you really are. Find out what those things are and avoid doing them. Not liking yourself is never just a surfaced thing like – being too fat or skinny or short or tall or pale or dark. These are all surfaced, and this surfaced dislike is coming from somewhere deeper – sit down, be patient with yourself and figure it out. Aren’t you worth it?
  3. After learning to like yourself, now what you do is love yourself. Treat yourself like you treat a loved one. Appreciate yourself, do things that you like to do, and find and follow whatever makes you feel good in a positive way. Over time, you’ll find that you can call yourself one of your best friends. You know who you are, you appreciate yourself and you love yourself.
  4. Happiness for all. Once you start to love yourself, you will find that being truly happy is not a fabled existence. Once you’d gotten to know yourself, you’d have found out what makes you feel good and what makes you feel shitty. In order to have true happiness, you should constantly be aware of steps 1-3 and ceaselessly put those steps into play. This is a continuous journey, once you stop any of those 3 points, there’s a good chance your inner feeling of happiness will become stilted and stuck. But, being happy is not something that’s difficult – you just have to be patient with yourself and follow your little joys every day. And, before you know it, you’ll be living a happy life. heavy-black-heart