My existence sits heavily on my chest —
Pulling at me, strangling me, suffocating me.
I breathe in through my bones and ruminate at my rest,
All the machinations of the end that lie hollow upon my wake.
I can feel my skin stretching, creaking against my tendons
As I, not of this space, ponder my furtive passings.
Everything is heightened, intense, and shit, what does one have to do to cease this choking hold?
I call upon the ethers, the universe, and breathe.
That’s all I’m allowed to do —
Where my assurances lie.
I have nothing but this dream,
As it sinks its claws in
And I die each time I wake,
Faced with another moment of the rising and settling of my chest.
I can make a playground of this.
But where’s the fun really, if you’re the only one fucking around?
He’s in my head again. The pain, the longing, it’s here again. And he knows. When will it end? He’d all but consumed me then. His scent, His smile, His sins… They all stuck around like a second skin. He’s in my dreams. Always a little too far. I’ll always want the taste of him. Will I grow? It’s forever a strange thing, How much I yearn and crave just a bit more of him. Does he know? He’ll stay in my head and then… Who knows?
Tell me your secrets and I will show you mine. The ones that replace words with writhes and moans that cross all kinds of lines. I will, if you wish, give a taste to define — All the naughty things that cross my mind. No feather-like kisses and delicate tongue, No sheets to slither on or tempered wants. I like pain with my pleasure — to give and to get. I want to be ripped apart and my pulsing appetite kept whet. Blindside me with brazen hands, nails and teeth, Let me be the filler of your darkest needs. They say the darker the desire, the deeper the cuts, But I’ll devour it all and bear the marks with pride. Simply satiate the source of the constant pulse between my thighs.
Tear me apart because I want you to.
Let me be your slave because I want you to.
Rip open my chest and devour its contents because I want you to.
I will – in turn – do the same.
You crowd my space, fill my mind and take over my comfort zone,
Because I want you to.
And I love it.
I want you to.
I want to feel you taking me in and spitting me out – shrouding me with the sexual ecstasies of life.
Because I’m willing, I’m ready, I’m open and I want you to.
I want all of you.
I want you to have all of me.
All my crazy, my empathy, kindness and lies.
These things are for you.
Lies are not always bad.
Lies make birds chirp a little sweeter.
Will you appreciate this love?
It would never sit with betrayal.
Just a simple appreciation of the good stuff.
I can only give you raw.
Pure and unfathomed and well… crazy.
We all like a little crazy.
I know I do.
That’s the beauty of this.
Allowing another person’s chaos to perforate your life…
That’s what they give you.
That’s what you get.
So why not simply enjoy it?
I want to be filled by love.
I want to devour it, and I want it to do the same to me.
The tears, the fears, cravings and pain.
That’s what defines love at the end of the day, isn’t it?
That’s the beauty of love, isn’t it?!
Can you find me in the dark —
Fitted among the many souls that are strewn across your path?
Will you recognise my voice?
The echo of which bleeds with the agony of time long past.
They say we are bound but I wonder at times if it’s just a fated lie,
One that was created to make us feel like maybe there’s more to this.
Am I waiting on a dream that will never come?
Maybe this is the dream.
Who says dreams have to be some grand thing —
Something that will touch a part of you that’s hidden and precious?
This could be it.
This could be all there is.
And all we have to do is create what we want like in our fantastical dreams at night —
When we put together fantasies and nightmares borne of our subconscious selves.
Still, what’s life without a little hope, a little mystique?
As a creator of this reality, maybe I will bring you to life,
Then turn it into something fatebound and magical,
Because, why not make things a bit more interesting?
Either way, fate or dreamscape, I’m here.
I will be here…
Surrounded by shadows.
Patiently waiting for you to recognise my light.
Let’s connect. Let me feel and taste you while we figure this thing out. Let me know the insides of your mind while I fantasize about the possibilities of us. Let me go out on a limb and just take advantage of your sexual drive. What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with wanting something for this moment – this singular time and just enjoying it? Why make it complicated? Why not take chances and go by the thrills and the pulls of our inner selves? Isn’t that the beauty of this? Isn’t all that we want just a few open touches away from this? I want you to open me up. Tear me apart and invade my comfort space. I want to feel you rippling through my mind as my days take pace. I want you to teach me to use my mind like a tongue. This tool that will lick every inch of you and enjoy the sensations that it pulls. I’ll teach you more. I’ll teach you how to revere my body like a shrine. I’ll teach you to respect every crevice that’s mine. Oh, you’ll like it. You’ll love every minute of it. And you’ll crave… We’ll both crave. And that’s the beauty of it. This urge, this thing that drives us to be our unfathomed selves, Damn… If only. If only we could connect. If only we could feel and taste each other while we figure things out. If only we could let each other get to know the insides of our minds and enjoy fantasizing about the possibilities of us. If only we could go out on a limb and just enjoy our sexual drives… What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with that?!
I have a curious relationship with my ego. We are not friends, but where ever I go she goes. At times we fight like sisters – with attacks so low the sting burns. Sometimes I sit and watch her play. Other times she destroys something and I take the blame. After all, what can I do? My ego is always there – a part of me yet completely separate. If unleashed destruction is in her wake, Am I not the one who should have taken a break? My ego and I have a strenuous relationship. We fight with each other, we laugh, we love together, And sometimes we simply exist. Take heed though and don’t trust your ego, I never do mine. The secret is to merely listen, observe, and untwine.
When it’s quiet, really quiet, I feel the echoes of my existence bleeding through my skin. I try to stay still – no breathing, no thinking – just floating. Maybe that will keep it at bay. It usually does for a little while. Not often though. The heavy feeling of my breath, my heartbeat- The fact that I am here in this moment (this space) is something that has always haunted me. Does it haunt you too? Do you want to pause your existence and not feel, not touch, not smell, not want…? These moments are my torture – my masochistic thrill, For, if I do not feel the weight of my existence, how do I know that i’m alive?
How do I cry for a loss that feels superficial but deep? How do I want or define something I’m not sure I want to keep? I love you. I do. You know this. But love, to me, is bullshit. Oh it’s great in the moments of early thrills. It speaks volumes when things are covered in silk. But – Its death is simply inevitable…